The Criterion & Limits of Friendship – Friendship vs Kinship

Abida Rahmani

Human being is a social animal. He wants to interact with people and enjoy their company. Much of our lives are spent in interaction with others. Some of the people are relatives, with them we have blood relations e.g. mother, father, brother, sister, grand parents, uncle, aunt, cousins and so on. The relation of a Husband and a wife is an acquired one which is the most intimate relation for a human being. After that are son, daughter and grand kids. The whole human society survives on this structure.

However the relationship of friend ship is altogether a different one. For relatives we have to accept what ever we had, while for friendship we can pick and choose a friend of our choice. As a whole we choose or get a company of the like minded people. With them we feel comfortable, sharing and enjoying them. This does not happen always some times we are indulged into a group through another friend, relative or a co worker, that have a quite different mind set. We some how are tempted by their ways and life styles and we are compelled to look upon our own self. Why are we going through so many restrictions and forbidding ourselves from the bounties of this world. These are the people like us and they are fully enjoying themselves, having lots of fun. Then we stealthily try to follow them, we are greatly attracted towards them.
The Prophet (saws) said, “The case of the good companion and the bad companion is like that of the seller of musk and the blower of the bellows (iron-smith). As for the seller of musk, he will either give you some of the musk, or you will purchase some from him, or at least you will come away having experienced its good smell. Whereas the blower of the bellows will either burn your clothing, or at least you will come away having experienced its repugnant smell.” [Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim]

In his commentary of this Hadith, Imam an-Nawawy said that the Prophet (saws) compared a good companion to a seller of musk and spoke of the virtue of having companions who are good, who have noble manners, piety, knowledge and good culture. Such are those who grant us from their virtue. And he (saws) forbade us to sit with those who do evil, commit a lot of sins and other bad deeds, as well as with innovators, backbiters, and so forth. Another scholar said: “keeping good company with the pious results in attainment of beneficial knowledge, noble manners and righteous actions, whereas keeping company with the wicked prevents all of that.” Many times a Muslim is encouraged by his friends to do evil and to forget his duties.

The bad companion is the Shaytaan from amongst mankind, and the Shayaateen are both men and jinns. Sometimes the harm that comes from the Shayaateen amongst men is greater than the harm that comes from the Shayaateen of the jinn. As a matter of fact the Shayaateen amongst mankind could probably teach the Shayaateen from the jinn a few things they didn’t know!
A good example of this can be found in the Prophet (saws),. When he was making the hijrah (migration) from Makkah to Madinah he chose Abubakar Siddique (RA) as his companion because he was the closest and confident among his friends..
Allah mentioned about it in Quran,
“Allaah did indeed help him (Muhammad) when the disbelievers drove him out. The second of the two, when they (Muhammad and Abu Bakr) were in the cave, and he (saws) said to his companion, ‘Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allaah is with us’.” [9:40]
He (saws) said, ‘Surely Allaah is with us’, not ‘with me’, since Abu Bakr had supported the Prophet in the establishing of the Deen of Allaah, he had thus earned the right to be supported by Allaah also.
We can even befriended with our kin, our parents, siblings, husband, kids or any one else. It is very common to have great intimacy, love and affection to some of our relatives or among couples. A husband and a wife could be best friends and companions. We know about prophet (saw) when he got the first revelation, he was frightened and shaken. He came to Khadija (ra) , she comforted him and trusted him all that he told her about his experience with angel Jibrael . She was the first one who believed in him and authenticated him as the Messenger of Allah. She suffered so much along with him in the path of Allah.All the closest companions or friends of Prophet (Saws) were his closest relatives or kins. Aisha (RA) was the daughter of Abubakar (ra), Hafsa(RA) was the daughter of Omar(RA). Usman and Ali (RA) were son –in- laws of prophet (SAW). Ali (ra) was his cousin too. Therefore these kinships made the bonds stronger and closer. We know about all these trusted companions or friends of prophet (saw) how they were with him in his trials, wars and dawaa.
When he was leaving for hijra to Madina, he left Ali (ra) behind to take care of the people’s belongings as amana to be returned to them.
Abu Bakr - a good friend and companion, one who was willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of Allaah and to the service of His Messenger (saws); his blood, his wealth, his sweat, his tears and everything that he owned he gave for Allaah’s sake. Abu Bakr As-Siddeeq, may Allaah be pleased with him and he pleased with Allaah, the first Khaleefah after the Prophet (saws) and his great companion, the best of this Ummah after the Prophet, sets for us this great example of the good companion  and friendship who is like the perfume merchant.
Omar and USman (RA) were not far behind; they did a lot in the path of deen and Allah.
All of the above companions who were related to prophet (SAW) were so close to him that he always used to council them in his decisions. Apart from them there were other companions too, who were not related to the Prophet (Saw).
Therefore it is permissible and required that we are befriended with our kin who are on straight path of Islam, are righteous, virtueous and piteous.  At the same time we should not ignore those, who are misguided to lead them to the guidelines of Islam because it would be the best gift and wish for them.

A hadith of Prophet (SAWS) to call your brother to deen of Allah is better for you than 100 red camels. Which was a fortune in those days.
We always notice in our relationships, it is quite common that a friendship is changed into kinship. Therefore a friend could be a kin too quite often and the relations get strong in this way.
Good and sincere friendship is a universal criterion. It is an old English proverb, “a man is known by the company he keeps.”This is about all human beings, men and women. In Farsi the famous poet Saadi said, “If you sit in the company of flowers, you will smell like it and if you sit in the company of filth, you will stink like this. Therefore, it is greatly important to choose good friends with nice behavior, positive thoughts and attitudes. For us as a Muslim it becomes essentially urgent to choose friends who are the followers of deen, those who deliver good and forbid bad are righteous in their deeds and dealings.

Here in North America Muslims who are living in a society where we are clearly a minority, the issue of choosing the right friends is essential for preserving our Deen. Befriending righteous and virtuous Muslims is an essential means for staying on the Straight Path. Strong individuals, on the other hand, are the core of a strong community, something that Muslims should always strive for.

In an authentic Hadith, the Prophet Muhammad (saws) said: “A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so look whom you befriend.”

The person noblest in character and dealings with fellow humans gave us a very clear message and advice in regard to friendship. We should choose the friend that is satisfied with our Deen and avoid the friend that is displeased with it. Our friendship should be based on the pleasure of Allah (swt) and his messenger Muhammad (SWs).

The actions of those who follow the evil ways are corrupt; their actions are built upon misguidance and deviation. Their deeds are worthless, to them Allah (swt) said: “And we will proceed to what they have done of deeds, so We shall render them to scattered floating dust.” Qur’an 25:23

Friends are those who feel for their companions, in both happy and sad moments. If we share our feelings with the wrong-doers whose actions are worthless and based on corruption, then we are following the same ways and standards as they are. If we agree, follow and are pleased with such friends, then we inherit their habits, behaviors and even religion. Such a Muslim would find himself in a situation wherein he is willing to hide his Islam in front of those who despise it (those that he considers as friends) and to separate from the believers. When this situation occurs, a point is reached when there is a very slight difference between the Muslim and his wrong-doing companion. Such a companionship is the root of sickness of one’s heart and loss of one’s Deen.

Instead of making friends with the misguided ones we should befriend the righteous and treat the rest in a gracious and just manner. Staying at sufficient distance is necessary; yet treating everybody in a noble and kind manner is required.So take heed before the inevitable Day comes when we are called to account for our actions.

Allah, the All-Wise also says: “Friends on that Day will be enemies one to another, except al-Muttaqoon (i.e. those who have Taqwah).” Qur’an 43:67

Sealing a friendship for Allah’s sake will result in one’s receiving protection of Allah (swt). And as Ibn Abbas said: “No one may taste true faith except by this (i.e. building relationships for Allah’s sake), even if his prayers and fasts are many. People have come to build their relationship around the concerns of the world, but it will not benefit them in any way.”

A scholar has said: “To seal a friendship for Allah’s sake indicates the obligation of establishing relationships of love and trust for His sake; this is a friendship for the sake of Allah. It also indicates that simple affection is not enough here; indeed what is meant is a love based upon alliance. This entails assistance, honor, and respect. It means being with those whom you love both in word and deed.” Loyalty for the sake of Allah really means to love Allah and to come to the assistance of His Deen; to love those who are obedient to Him and to come to their help. Moreover, the Shahadah “La Ilaha Illa Allah” requires us to ally ourselves for the sake of Allah, and it requires us to ally ourselves to the Muslims wherever we find them.

In two other authentic narrations’ of the Prophet (saws) we were commanded to keep company with a believer only and told that a person will be with those he loves So if we love and associate ourselves with those who are misguided, we should fear for our fate. The wise person is the one who prepares himself for the Hereafter, not the one who neglects his faith and falls into the trap of Satan who tells him that he will be forgiven and that he can do whatever he wishes. If we truly believe that the best speech is the Speech of Allah and that he best guidance is the guidance of Prophet Muhammad (saws), we should act in accordance with them, lest we build a proof against ourselves.

Ali (raa) said: “Mix with the noble people, you become one of them; and keep away from evil people to protect yourself from their evils.”  

If we are truly concerned about our fate, we must come to this realization: those who take us away from remembering Allah, from obeying Him and His Prophet (saws), those who fail to remind us of our daily prayers and those who do not give us sincere advice in regard to our Deen; such are really our foes and not our friends. On the other side, “a believer is the mirror of his brother and if he sees any faults in the other believer, he draws his attention to it, helps him to give it up and helps him wipe away any evil that he may have.

 “O you who believe! Take care of your own selves. If you follow the right guidance and enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong no hurt can come to you from those who are in error. The return of you all is to Allah, then He will inform you about (all) that which you used to do.” Qur’an 5:105

We ask Allah to make us of the righteous ones and give us companions that will take us away from His Wrath and lead us to His Pleasure and Paradise.

 Those people who you sit with and make your friends are inevitably going to fall into one of two categories. Either they are going to be good individuals - who guide and encourage you towards what is good and help you to accomplish that which Allaah has ordered, or they are going to be bad - encouraging you to do what is pleasing to Shaytaan, that which misleads you, and leads you to the Hell-Fire.
 When the Prophet (saws) was sent with the Da’wah to establish the Deen of al-Islaam, he did not do it on his own. Rather, Allaah chose for him companions who accompanied him and who carried the Message until it was complete.
These aspects show the importance of having good friends, companions who are Saalih (righteous). Such a companion will help you to do what is good and remind you of Allaah, he will enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil. They also show the importance of avoiding keeping bad companions. Such a companion will have a bad effect upon you, they help you to do those deeds which are displeasing to Allaah and which lead to the Hell-Fire - and we seek Allaah’s refuge from that.
The Prophet (saws) explained the matter of good companionship, so that no room is left for doubt or confusion, when he said: “A person is upon the Deen of his khaleel - close friend, so look to whom you befriend.” [Abu Dawood and At-Tirmidhee]
There is an Arabic expression - ‘Your companion is what pulls you to something.’ So if your companion is good, he will pull to towards that which is good. But if your companion is bad, he will only pull you towards that which is evil. We must choose our friends and companions carefully so that we take friends who are sincere, and who will order us with what is good and forbid us from what is evil. If he observes us committing sins he would warn us, if he becomes aware of our shortcomings he would advise us, and if he finds a fault in us he would cover it. About this the Prophet (saws) said, “A Muslim is the brother of another Muslim. He neither betrays him nor tells him a lie, nor humiliates him.” [At-Tirmidhee]
So should you see a fault in your brother, you should wish to remove that fault from him and not expose it to the people. This is what is required by brotherhood and again stresses the importance of choosing friends who are upon the correct way, who are loyal, and who hide your faults whilst ordering you with good and forbidding you from evil, who stand beside you and support you, and co-operate with you upon all that is good.
The Prophet (saws) also explained this great principle further in another narration, wherein he stated, “Do not keep company except with a believer, and do not feed except a person who has taqwaa (fear of Allaah).” [Abu Dawood and At-Tirmidhee]
This principle is important from the standpoint of how the Deen is to be established, and from the standpoint of what brotherhood is and what it does. Indeed, the reason that one takes a companion is to help him establish his Islaam, and to help him worship Allaah. We find a good example in the Prophet Moosaa - the one whom Allaah chose and spoke to. When Allaah sent him to Fir’awn, he said, “And appoint for me a helper from my family, Haaroon - my brother; increase my strength with him, and let him share my task (of conveying Allaah’s Message and Prophethood), that we may glorify You much and remember You much.” [20:29-34]
It is only the brotherhood that is based upon Eemaan and Taqwaa that is the true and lasting brotherhood. All of those who come together for materialistic reasons; because of creed, color, ethnicity, nationality, or for whatever other reason, will be enemies of one another at the Day of Judgment “.except al-Muttaqoon.” Those who have Taqwaa, and love a brother only because he is upon the Path of Allaah and has the same Eemaan that they have; he has taken the path of the Messenger (saws) and the righteous deeds..
Good, sincere and righteous friendship and kinship is an ultimate blessing of Allah (swt). For which a believer should be a lot grateful to almighty.
He If you tried to count Allah's blessings, you could never count them. Man is indeed wrongdoing, ungrateful. (Surah Ibrahim: 34)
never count them. Man is indeed wrongdoing, ungrateful.

References:

 Abu Dawood and at-Tirmithi Al-Bukhari and Muslim,